Speaking of Sex with The Pleasure Mechanics

Get all the benefits of cheating - without infidelity. Here's how to harness the excitement and thrills of an affair - with your spouse!

In this episode we invite you into the fantasy game of planning (and maybe even having!) an affair with your spouse. This can be a fantasy only mind game or a full blown seduction of your spouse.

Affairs are exciting for a reason. People tend to put enormous amounts of creativity and energy into thinking about and having affairs. Who would you want to have an affair with? How would you get away with cheating? Where would you meet? What kind of sex would you have? What kinds of emails and phone calls would you sneak away to share? How would you feel after a wild tryst if you knew you would never be caught?

Yet many people don't want to have an affair. Many people love their spouse too much to risk breaking their heart - even if they are sexually frustrated. So here's another plan: have an affair with your spouse. Bring all of that same creative energy and start seducing your spouse into sneaking kisses, romantic emails and getaways filled with passionate sex.

In this episode we explore how to have an affair with your spouse, so you can get the thrills of an affair without the cheating!

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Sex and pleasure matter far beyond your bedroom. Sexuality is part of your social body, how you interact with and are treated by the world. Sexuality is deeply interconnected with race and class - so when we call for more sexual pleasure we must recognize that call is ultimately for social justice for all.

In this episode we cover:

Intersectionality, and how it informs our sexual experience
The importance of understanding the history of racial and sexual oppression
How self care can be an act of resistance
The difference between self care and numbing out
Radical love as a guiding framework

Find more about Aida's work and therapy practice on her website: www.aidamanduley.com

Aida is also part of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network: WOCSHN

Resources mentioned:

Liberation Health

"This radical love fosters community and emerges through it. Radical love is a love that gives the benefit of the doubt, that affirms and questions, that holds its skepticism at bay to allow a raw thought to develop, that understands accountability not as a zero sum game, that doesn’t draw lines in the sand, that doesn’t believe in (to borrow a phrase from Edward Said) solidarity without criticism, that understands that rifts can heal and that we need not divide ourselves from one another during that healing. It also understands that there may be moments when toxicity reaches such a level that, out of self-care and self-love, one has to pull back and find new alliances. A radical love can foster and enrich community." — Ralph Rodríguez (source)

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The gender galaxy is expanding - and opening up opportunities for us all. Learn all about transgender, genderqueer, genderfluid and cisgender identities, and find yourself in the gender galaxy!

Learn all about the gender galaxy:

what is gender?
what does it mean to be transgender?
what does it mean to be genderqueer how is it different from identifying as genderfluid?
what can you do to support gender non conforming individuals?
what does it mean to be cisgender?
how does the expanding gender galaxy offer us all more freedom and opportunity?

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Arousal makes us do crazy things, right? Even simple sex acts like open mouth kissing and oral sex seem strange if you think about them rationally for too long! Things we would never normally want to do can suddenly become intensely pleasurable with the right person and the right amount of arousal.

It turns out that disgust and lust have an intimate and complicated relationship in the human brain.

This relationship can work both ways. If you experience disgust before trying to get aroused, it can be way harder to get turned on. But if you get really aroused first, then things that would ordinarily disgust you won't bother you at all. Knowing how these emotions work in your body can help you manage your disgust so you can get more aroused, and get more aroused to become more sexually adventurous!

Sexual arousal is a motivational state that moves humans toward situations that inherently pose a risk of disease transmission. Disgust is an emotion that adaptively moves humans away from such situations.

These two experiences can interact in strange and important ways in your sex life. Tune in to find out what happens when lust and disgust meet in your erotic mind.

We cover:

how to minimize disgust to maximize arousal
how arousal minimizes disgust
why you need to figure out your personal disgust triggers
communication skills to help navigate the tricky terrain of disgust in your relationship
how disgust interuppts arousal, even more so than fear!
why women are more likely to struggle with disgust in their sex lives

Here are some scientific studies about lust vs. disgust:
Feelings of Disgust and Disgust-Induced Avoidance Weaken following Induced Sexual Arousal in Women
Disgust versus Lust: Exploring the Interactions of Disgust and Fear with Sexual Arousal in Women

“Women [who] were sexually aroused were more willing to touch and do initially disgusting tasks,” study co-author Charmaine Borg, a researcher in the department of clinical psychology and experimental psychopathology at the University of Groningen in The Netherlands.

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Many people take sex way too seriously! Here's how to make sex more playful, joyful and creative.

Playful sex brings us back to the creative freedom of pure pleasure seeking play. When we can laugh and enjoy sex more freely, we can let go of some of the shame and anxiety that make sex feel so serious sometimes.

Playful sex requires a certain level of sexual confidence. Play requires flexibility and creativity, the ability to respond authentically in every moment. Playful sex invites us to leave our scripts and routines behind and simply ask "what would feel pleasurable in this moment?"

Think about going to a playground with a kid. You don't plan out exactly how many times you go down the slide, how high you'll go on the swing and how many times you'll throw a ball. Instead, you do what feels good in every moment, dynamically exploring the available options and making the most of your time at the playground. What if we brought this attitude to our sex lives?

In this episode, we talk about how to make sex more playful. We cover:

the attitudes of playful sex and how they will benefit your entire relationship
the emotional and hormonal benefits of playful sex
how to create more anticipation and excitement with playful sex
games to play together, in and out of bed
erotic touch games
the 5 minute game and how to make it work for you
sensation play, storytelling and other kinds of erotic play
how kinky sex can be playful, but why all playful sex doesn't have to be kinky

We'd love to hear from you! Click here to send us an email or leave a voicemail

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 Without consent, desire cannot flourish ~ Carol Queen
Consent is far more than the absence of “no” - and is a vital social skill in and out of the bedroom. Consent culture is a critical piece of remaking our sex culture to be healthy, happy and pleasurable for us all. Consent culture is about empowering ALL of us to authentically navigate social and sexual situations with our boundaries respected and our dignity maintained.

On today’s episode we talk about building consent culture - and why consent is a vital erotic skill for all of us, even in long term relationships. Joining us is Kitty Stryker. Kitty Stryker is an outspoken writer and activist. Most recently, Kitty was the editor of  "ASK: Building Consent Culture" a book featuring the voices of marginalized people on various intersections of consent and daily life. 

In this episode (click play at the top of the page to start listening!) we cover:

Working definitions of consent and consent culture
Why consent has to go beyond “no means no”
How to create and give ongoing, enthusiastic and active consent
How systems of power complicate what we can say yes and no to.
The role of consent in long term relationships
How practicing consent in the bedroom can empower you in other parts of your life
How to create more opportunities for consent in your interactions

Click here to support the fundraising campaign for the Ask: Building Consent Culture book tour!

Content warning - while this episode is focused primarily about consent and how to build a consent culture that benefits us all, we will also briefly touch on sexual abuse and rape - if these subjects upset you I encourage you to listen to this episode at a time when you can get extra support from those you love and trust.

One definition of consent is called FRIES, which was coined by Planned Parenthood.

According to Planned Parenthood, consent consists of the following:

Freely given. Doing something sexual with someone is a decision that should be made without pressure, force, or manipulation, or while drunk or high.
Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they want to do, at any time. Even if they’ve done it before or are in the middle of having sex.
Informed. Be honest. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, that’s not consent.
Enthusiastic. If someone isn’t excited, or really into it, that’s not consent.
Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean they’ve said yes to others (like oral sex).

 
 It’s not just freedom from rape, freedom from abuse, freedom from fear. It is also “freedom to”—freedom to express desire, to explore pleasure, to seek intimacy and adventure. ~ Laurie Penny
 

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Have you ever had trouble letting go of control long enough to have an orgasm with a partner? Here's how to surrender into orgasm, on your own terms.

Many women, especially those who like being in control of every element of their lives, have trouble letting go enough to get off. Even women who can have orgasms during masturbation sometimes have trouble with orgasms during partnered sex.

Here are our strategies for learning how to get out of your head and into your body so you can fully savor the sensations of arousal and surrender into orgasm.

In this podcast episode, we cover:

the anatomy of an orgasm
how "being in control" can block an orgasm
how to build trust with your partner to have more orgasmic sex
what elements of kinky sex help you have more orgasms
how to prepare your body for surrendering into orgasm

Resources mentioned on this episode:

Kinky Sex Mastery

Erotic Spanking Mastery

Here is the letter that inspired this episode:
Dear Pleasure Mechanics,
I stumbled on your podcast the other day and am reaching out to see if you can help me with a predicament I have found myself in since the beginning of my sex life.
I am 25 and have always had big difficulties reaching orgasm in the presence of a partner. (During masturbation I am pleased to say I have no problems!) When I began being sexually active beyond basic self-pleasure 8 years ago, I think part of the challenge was that I was unfamiliar with my own body and was shy to ask for what I wanted. However, I have had this issue recurringly, both in more casual encounters as well as in my most recent relationship which lasted 4 years. I had good communication with my partner, and he was very patient and attentive. His persistence however was not enough to bring me to orgasm - it became clear to me that I have a block/fear that I cannot seem to overcome. Naturally this was hugely frustrating for both of us, and led to loss of libido.
In the last 3 years I have really focused on getting to know myself through self-stimulation, I have read up on the matter, had sessions with a psycho-sexual therapist, and done some courses to expand my understanding, always focusing on clearing blocks and worries that I noticed along the way. I have also learned that being intimate does not always need to lead to orgasm, so the importance of this problem has shifted a little bit. Still, I want to be able to work through my block so that I know I can achieve orgasm when I am being intimate with a man. As I don't have any trauma in my past that could help explain my fear, I am thinking that it may be linked to some of my personality traits outside the bedroom.
Control is an important aspect in my life - and surrender (i.e. giving up control), is something I am not used to. I like being in control of my actions, the results I achieve, my emotions, people’s attitudes towards me. I have even noticed that my assertiveness can often lead to people’s decisions or actions reflecting what they think I would do, or what I would expect, even if I am not intentionally interfering with the situation or outcome. As a result, I am used to being in control, and feel out of my comfort zone when I am not.
Inversely I would say that I feel uncomfortable in surrender mode. However, when I analyse my fantasies I am curious about taking the role of a submissive in a BDSM dynamic (not a hardcore one, but the idea of being restrained, controlled, and/or having to accept what is done to me turns me on). Perhaps I think that here I find a compromise that I can feel more comfortable with – controlled and agreed surrender. But why do I think I need a formal agreement to feel comfortable enough to surrender? And how can I practice surrender with a man, without making it all about reaching climax?
Do you have any advice as to how I can overcome my block of reaching orgasm with a man?

Men have about three orgasms for every one a woman has in a long term relationship. This is not because women's anatomy is more complicated! It turns out that the kind of sex most people are having is not what will bring most women to orgasm. Studies and surveys reveal that only 4-5% can have orgasms through intercourse alone.

The solution? Closing the orgasm gap requires learning about clitoral anatomy and how to use it. In her new book, Dr. Laurie Mintz shares the intricate anatomy of the clitoris and how to create new kinds of sexual scripts that will lead you to female orgasm and beyond. She encourages more time for full body warm-up, lots of clitoral stimulation and new alternatives and additions to intercourse so you can expand your sexual repertoire. The book goes way beyond the clitoris and shares essential techniques for communication and conversation that will be equally transformative to your sex life.
We’ve been holding women back by looking for the ultimate orgasm instead of getting to know their own body and how to have orgasms in the way their body likes best ~ Dr. Laurie Mintz on becoming more orgasmic.
In this episode, we explore the orgasm gap and how it impacts men and women alike.

We cover:

The orgasm gap and why it matters
The most reliable way to generate female orgasms
The orgasm hierarchy
The true anatomy of the clitoris and how to stimulate it
The vast variety of ways to create clitoral stimulation
The kind of intercourse we ALL should be having
The orgasm paradox
Mindful sex and how it helps you experience more orgasms

Get to know your own body and learn to express it’s needs to your partner. There is no one right way to have sex. Whatever your body wants and needs is the right way to have sex. Get rid of all the cultural “shoulds” when it comes to what you need for pleasure and orgasms. ~ Dr. Laurie Mintz
All Bodies Welcome Here!

When we talk about the clitoris we may talk about women as a general category of people who have a clitoris - but some people who have a clitoris identify as men and some people who identify as women don’t have a clitoris - so while our language is limited our intention is inclusive and everyone who has a human body will gain valuable wisdom and insight from this conversation.
About Dr. Laurie Mintz, author of Becoming Cliterate
Dr. Laurie Mintz is a tenured Professor at the University of Florida, where she teaches the Psychology of Human Sexuality to hundreds of undergraduate students each year. Dr. Mintz has published over 50 research articles in academic journals and six chapters in academic books. She also writes a popular blog and has a small private therapy practice. Her professional goal is to  provide scientifically-accurate, sex-positive information to enhance female pleasure. Dr. Mintz first book was  A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship and in this episode we dive into her new book Becoming Cliterate : Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It. 

Find out more about Dr. Laurie Mintz here

To master the skills of clitoral stimulation, check out our Foreplay Mastery Course for stroke by stroke video guidance!

The post Becoming Cliterate with Dr. Laurie Mintz appeared first on Pleasure Mechanics.

Ever wonder why some sex leaves you feeling kinda blah? Why is sex sometimes totally mind blowing and other times sex feels like a chore? Why does it feel like you and your partner are in two different worlds while making love?

Here is one piece to the puzzle: depth of sexual involvement. What if there was a way to not only get on the same page as your partner but learn how to go deeper for more fulfilling sex?

This theory was first published in the article “Three Dimensions of Depth of Involvement in Human Sexual Response” by Donald Mosher in 1980. It is a lens through which we can understand different motivations for having sex and what kind of experience you are looking to create with your partner.

First, Mosher suggests that sexual pleasure is stimulation that is subjectively experienced as excitement and/or joy. He writes “Effective sexual stimulation is a joint function of the density of physical sexual stimulation and depth of involvement in the sexual contact episode” He then goes on to suggest that depth of involvement is in one of three dimensions:  (1) sexual role enactment, (2) sexual trance, and (3) engagement with the sex partner.

Let’s look at each of these dimensions more closely.

Sexual role enactment is all about fulfilling a social script and embodying a sexual role. This is not just “roleplaying” in the sense of stories and costumes. Instead, it is how most of us have sex most of the time. You embody a specific erotic role (loving wife, strong husband, sexy vixen, carefree coed) and have sex out of a script of what sex means within that role, your partner’s role and the relationship between those two.
Partner engagement is the highly romantic, emotional sex that happens when you want to merge with another person. It is all about unity, coming together and feeling the “I-Thou” connection as lovers.
Erotic trance is sex where one or both partners goes into an altered state of consciousness, transported through the sensations of sex. Sexual trance is not about connecting with your partner or about fulfilling a script - rather it is about tuning your awareness deep within.

In Mosher’s framework, there are six levels of sexual involvement:

disinterested
casual
routine
engrossed
entranced
ecstatic

Think of the how easily distracted you are during any given sexual encounter. If your phone rang in the other room, would you immediately start thinking about who it might be? Or would you barely hear it? How easily distracted you are is a function of depth of sexual involvement. The deeper you go into your sexual experience, the more fulfilling that experience can be.
This framework is essential for discovering your motivations for having sex and getting on the same page with your partner. If you are wanting to drift into erotic trance, eye contact can be distracting. But that same eye contact would be essential for partner engagement sex. Wanting to feel naughty and have rough sex? Whispering sweet romantic words wouldn’t fit that role, but dirty talk might! It can be hugely helpful for you and your partner to know what kind of sex you are trying to have so you can both go deeper into the experience.
Mosher expands on the skills, techniques and attitudes for each kind of sex:
Sexual self-role congruence, sexual role perception and sexual role skills are required for involved, convincing, and appropriate sexual role enactment. When sexual role enactment is the preferred dimension of involvement, the sexual mood will be playful with high self esteem, the setting will be dramatic and exhibitionistic, the sexual techniques will be varied, the sexual style will be active and expressive, fantasies will contain a scripted plot, and sex is conceived to be an adventure or drama that leads to involuntary ecstatic expression and orgasm in which the participants are protypical men and w...

Want to explore kinky sex but worried you'll get in over your head? Interested in a fetish or two, but wondering where it will lead? We often talk about what kinds of fantasies you might want to explore but don't often talk about how far you want to go with each particular new kink. Maybe you want to explore bondage, but don't know if you are into light restraint play or full on rope bondage! Maybe you want to be dominated but have no idea what that really looks like.

In this episode we share how to start exploring kinky sex by taking small playful steps into a variety of kinky experiences. Discover the specific attitudes to adopt to make your kinky explorations fun, low pressure and agenda-free. By taking the pressure off your first steps into kinky sex, you can explore freely without sabotaging your relationship.

If you want expert guidance as you start exploring kinky sex, check out our Kinky Sex Mastery course. We'll guide you step by step so you can relax and enjoy the thrills - while strengthening your relationship!

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